Kinda sorta really bad day.
Yesterday day was rough for the Mister. He has been off his game for quite some time. With bipolar you just never know where addiction ends and bipolar picks up. He's been on a manic episode and with financial woes, he's just feelin it lately.
You get trained, engrained and drenched in therapy lessons not to own a slip. Not to take it personally. Keep your head above water. Keep a wise mind and stay empowered.
Well. . . . . some days I can do that. Other days I lay down, my butt against the wall, my legs straight up in front of me and I CRY.
When Mr. G. tells me about a slip, the boundary is he doesn't initiate sex until he tells me. Well he broke that boundary. SEVERAL times. I thought I was feeling close. I thought he was wanting my connection.
It feels like my hand gets slammed in the door when I realize that our intimate love making was largely due to filling a void to feel better about himself after a slip. I feel violated.
He recluses when he tells me about his slips. It's only now that I finally have let him recluse instead of running after him telling him I'm ok and ensuring him we are 'fine'. It's not fine. Slipping every few weeks the past 5 months, after 9 months of sobriety is NOT FINE.
This addiction thing is a rough gig.
I had a cousin tell me (not knowing anything about my situation) that if she EVER found out her husband had looked at porn, she'd divorce him on the spot and he'd never see his kids again.
My soul felt like it'd been wacked across the head with a cricket bat. It's never that easy. EVER. Marriage and love and families are so much deeper and so much more complicated then that. I've wanted to bail out so many times. I've been disgusted and repulsed with the things he's done. I've hated him while I've loved him. I learned to hate the addiction and fall BACK into love with the man I married. Because it's not the same after D day is it? You look at them differently. Your relationship is different. You have to date and forgive and learn to love your new life and your new relationship.
Today is a day for crying. Tomorrow will be a day for lacing up my shoes and digging deep again.
