Something I'm struggling with. Letting go.
Letting go of control
Letting go of knowing
Letting go of his recovery
Letting go of anxiety
of stress
of heartache
of cyclic thinking that has me spinning around the same words day after day. . . .
wondering what the HELL he is thinking (sorry, sometimes there are no other words to satisfy on the outside what I'm feeling in the inside)
Letting go of any guarantee. He is not guaranteed to always choose recovery, and in turn to choose us.
Today has been a rough night. I want to call but I'm not going to. I finally shut my phone off. It was like someone put a spigot in my head and released the anxiety as soon as I saw the spinny circle thing appear on my screen on my phone. Like permission to let go for a moment and have me time.
He is traveling. He has never traveled alone and not binged.
ever.
And I'm having a hard time letting go of the what ifs.
He's relapsing. He went 9 months with sobriety at one point. Now his longest is 5 weeks and his average is 2 weeks. Over 3 years in addiction recovery and we are back to only 2 weeks of sobriety at a time?
So tonight I focus on me. I'm going to breath. I'm going to pull out my affirmation app and repeat over and over that I am ok. Letting go is OK. And not only is it ok it is invigorating and freeing and beautifully warm. I'm going to reach out to the amazing women in my life who give me strength. Because those women tell me I'm ok and I believe them when they say it.
So tonight I practice letting go.
