Try try again.

                                                                    photo credit

Something I'm struggling with.  Letting go.
Letting go of control
Letting go of knowing
Letting go of his recovery
Letting go of anxiety
of stress
of heartache
of cyclic thinking that has me spinning around the same words day after day. . . .
                                         wondering what the HELL he is thinking (sorry, sometimes there are no other words to satisfy on the outside what I'm feeling in the inside)

Letting go of any guarantee.  He is not guaranteed to always choose recovery, and in turn to choose us.

Today has been a rough night.  I want to call but I'm not going to.  I finally shut my phone off.  It was like someone put a spigot in my head and released the anxiety as soon as I saw the spinny circle thing appear on my screen on my phone.  Like permission to let go for a moment and have me time. 
     He is traveling.  He has never traveled alone and not binged. 

                                ever.

And I'm having a hard time letting go of the what ifs. 
He's relapsing.  He went 9 months with sobriety at one point.  Now his longest is 5 weeks and his average is 2 weeks.  Over 3 years in addiction recovery and we are back to only 2 weeks of sobriety at a time? 

So tonight I focus on me.  I'm going to breath.  I'm going to pull out my affirmation app and repeat over and over that I am ok.  Letting go is OK.  And not only is it ok it is invigorating and freeing and beautifully warm.   I'm going to reach out to the amazing women in my life who give me strength.  Because those women tell me I'm ok and I believe them when they say it. 

So tonight I practice letting go.

so . . .eh. . .how bout them slips?

Kinda sorta really bad day. 
Yesterday day was rough for the Mister.  He has been off his game for quite some time.  With bipolar you just never know where addiction ends and bipolar picks up.  He's been on a manic episode and with financial woes, he's just feelin it lately.
You get trained, engrained and drenched in therapy lessons not to own a slip.  Not to take it personally.  Keep your head above water.  Keep a wise mind and stay empowered. 
Well. . . . . some days I can do that.  Other days I lay down, my butt against the wall, my legs straight up in front of me and I CRY. 
When Mr. G. tells me about a slip, the boundary is he doesn't initiate sex until he tells me.  Well he broke that boundary.  SEVERAL times.  I thought I was feeling close.  I thought he was wanting my connection.
It feels like my hand gets slammed in the door when I realize that our intimate love making was largely due to filling a void to feel better about himself after a slip.  I feel violated. 
He recluses when he tells me about his slips.  It's only now that I finally have let him recluse instead of running after him telling him I'm ok and ensuring him we are 'fine'.   It's not fine.  Slipping every few weeks the past 5 months,  after 9 months of sobriety is NOT FINE.
This addiction thing is a rough gig.
I had a cousin tell me (not knowing anything about my situation) that if she EVER found out her husband had looked at porn, she'd divorce him on the spot and he'd never see his kids again.
My soul felt like it'd been wacked across the head with a cricket bat. It's never that easy.  EVER.  Marriage and love and families are so much deeper and so much more complicated then that.  I've wanted to bail out so many times.  I've been disgusted and repulsed with the things he's done.  I've hated him while I've loved him.  I learned to hate the addiction and fall BACK into love with the man I married.  Because it's not the same after D day is it?  You look at them differently.  Your relationship is different.  You have to date and forgive and learn to love your new life and your new relationship. 
Today is a day for crying.  Tomorrow will be a day for lacing up my shoes and digging deep again.

Luna

credit



At some point I will share my story here.  But first I wanted to introduce Luna. 
Luna came into my life the day I found out about my husbands porn addiction. 
I was married 2 weeks and found my husbands rags.  ugh. I got on the computer and confirmed my suspicion.  He admitted it and said he wouldn't do it again. 

H LIED.  One week later it happened again.

That's when I met Luna

I was yelling and crying and screaming.  I could hear myself but inside my head I was swimming around looking blankly at the scenery around me.  And there she was. 

Lunatic.  Luna the Lunatic. 

lu·na·tic

/ˈlunətɪk/ Show Spelled [loo-nuh-tik]  

noun

1.  an insane person.

 

I slammed the door and sat on the toilet.
  I picked a tick off of me. 
How long had that been there?
 I threw it in the trash. 

The trash with those stupid disgusting rags were in.  I was a newlywed.  I was only married two weeks.  Is this supposed to happen? 

I looked in the mirror and didn't recognize myself.  There she was.  Luna the lunatic.  I didn't know then, but she would be my companion for the next 13 years.

This is the thing about Luna.  She comes out when I'm in fear or desperations.  Sometimes sadness will overtake my whole body and she'll swoop in to save me.  It's taken me 3 years of therapy to finally acknowledge her and let her go.  

So this is my story.  How I let go of Luna.  And how she still comes to visit, and every day I have to make a choice to thank her and send her on a way.  Some days are impossible. Sometimes she'll sneak in through the window, and other times I don't see her for months.  

I am learning and growing.  I'm not perfect and neither is my recovering husband. But we are in love, we are doing our best, and giving the rest to the Lord.  

I hope you will find something of use here.  Please feel free to leave a comment.  I love the connection with other wives of sex addicts.  It's an instant connection and sisterhood we have.  And for those of you who are new to this, sit down, get on some slippers and grab some hot chocolate. Open yourself enough to reach out and find some safety here.  You are not alone, and there is a lot of support for you.  

 

So here we go.  Welcome to my story.  My journey of letting go of Luna.  

 

Georgie